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SummerChallenge Week 4 - Waiting For My Crown

April 27, 2016

I've just completed the first round of the Beachbody SummerChallenge, and lets just say I'm a little conflicted with the outcome.

 

As this is my first WIW post, I will get right to the stuff I know you really want to know first - results. For some crazy reason, I don't have my starting numbers (April 4th), and only my weight on April 19th. So for this first round I'm truly at a complete loss as to what my actual results are, even though I can guarantee you, I fluctuated to the point of almost wanting to quit, or at the very least claim a do over. 

 

But... I won't. It's what I've always done, and as the saying goes, it's so much harder to start over again. So, I'll just keep at it. The results I have for you then, are a comparison from April 11th and April 25th.

 

Chest: No change (even after all that core work, a little frustrating)

Waist: -1 inch

Hips: No change (don't even get me started)

Thigh: -1 inch (-0.5 per leg)

Weight: +0.6 (of course this weigh in had to happen on the first day of my period)

 

My initial reaction is to ask what the hell happened??? As always, I turned to my Tarot cards this morning, and, well, Spirit was pretty blunt:

 

Challenge: 8 of Pentacles in RX ~ Lack of commitment. Fair enough. I really lived in my head these last couple of weeks. Initially, I thought well shit, I'm in for the money... show me my $5,000, Mr. Beachbody man!!! 

 

Yah, that didn't go over so well with She. This ridiculous notion that I can accomplish anything when money is the incentive? Well, I'd be a millionaire if that was the case. I've finally accepted that I am not driven by money. Period. Even though I want really pretty stuff, I'm not cut of the cloth of financial competition.

 

That realisation has ultimately blown up my entire self image. On the inside, I know I'm a power player, but if I'm not driven by money as a goal starter, then what the hell? Clearly if I could make this about me, I would have already. My loved ones? I mean, truly, the miniStarlite is 12 already... so I guess that's not my internal drive.

 

What is holding me back? Why is it so hard for me to find my why?

 

Result: Lovers in RX ~ Emotional loss. It's not my favourite thing to hear this morning. Emotional loss. My entire life has been fraught with emotional loss. 

 

#magicmoment - as I write this I realise that I'm so sick and tired of rejection, and yet I continue to put myself in a situation where I allow myself to be judged.

 

I'm still waiting to be crowned.

My 14 year old self is STILL waiting to be crowned Miss Teen Anything.

Awe, poor girl. My heart is breaking right now. 

I kinda forgot about her. She's been there the whole time, waiting.

Waiting to win, not knowing how. Waiting for me to show her how.

Waiting for me to believe in her once more.

I stopped believing in her.

I stopped believing me.

 

My dear, sweet, 14 year old self. Full of hope and a little lost. I'm so sorry you didn't win that day. What a confusing thing, wanting something so bad, and being surrounded by people who didn't have the time to show you how. My dear, sweet girl... it's time to move on.

 

My dear, sweet, 14 year old self. I can help you know. Take my hand... let's go.

 

 

Forever Finding Duende,

XOAK

 

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