Please note: Affiliate links may be included in this post. It's just the sprinkle I need to keep the magic alive.
A 3:00 am morning message had me shook.
It's not very often that I dream in thoughts, and I rarely worry or get caught up in my head when I go to sleep. I'm a sleeper by trade, honestly. Give me opportunity, and I'm out. Which is why it really took me a back the other day when I woke up (at 3:15 none the less), with a thought that had me bolt up right in bed with my heart beating like crazy.
"It was a full on, DNA induced, biologically enhanced, inner body experience."
I knew I wasn't having a panic attack.
My mind had put something together that was so random and yet so life changing, it had me questioning the condition of my health. In the last couple of years I've become acquainted with a panic attacks, but I haven't had one (or any reason to have one) for a very long time. I am deeply aware of the signs of an attack, this was different. It was much stronger, like a veil of tingling through my entire body. It was a full on, DNA induced, biologically enhanced, inner body experience.
It was a message from my Ancestors. A message from my H23 maternal haplogroup to be exact. It was about the miniStarlite. It was profound, and it made me pause. More importantly, it brought to light that after some 180,000 years, I might just have been given the responsibility of giving birth to the end of our line. All those moons ago, someone saw the beautiful beginning of our journey as Mothers... and here I am, with a front row seat to an epic finale.
"She is our last daughter, We are proud."
What it means to be the last of your kind.
That message was so loud, I still hear echos of it now. It brought up so much emotion for me, but I think we need to first circle back as to how I put the message together.
When I connect the miniStarlite as being 'our last daughter', I am strictly speaking about our Maternal lineage. Mamaylia is my only daughter, and I will not be having any more biological children. I am my birth mom's only daughter, and from my understanding, she is my grandmother's only daughter. I am specifically connecting with our Maternal ancestral lineage, or Haplogroup as they say in the world of science. And with both myself, my daughter and my birth mother being the only daughters (I'm not sure about my maternal grandmother), our unbroken line of maternal inheritance, might soon break.
On the one hand, I do have to consider how young my daughter is. I mean truly, she still has a good 20 to 25 years to really make a final decision about biologically having children. When I look back over her first 15 years of life, however, I feel like I kinda know. Behaviorally and psychically, I've had a few conversations that have me leaning towards our inevitable maternal swan song.
A few hints along the way.
1. Mamaylia, unlike myself, has never been interested in pregnancy and is actually quite disgusted by the whole birthing process. As she gets older she is definitely changing her tune about becoming a mother, but that can happen in so many different ways... and I have a feeling she'll explore all those options. I on the other hand was stuffing my belly with pillows pretending to be pregnant from like the time I was 4ish??? I played house with my dolls until I was 12 years old. Want to see me cry in 4 seconds flat? Play a birthing video, and I'm a mess. My greatest joy has been the ability to carry a healthy, beautiful baby into this world. I know the purpose of my life, was/is to be a mother.