As the Knight and I sit, he can tell I'm feeling a bit better and is curious to know where I'm at. I tell him that I've accepted the fact that I am in the middle of a war, feeling attacked on all fronts, and that I realize the only way I'm going to get through this is to ride out and deal with each attack head on. I tell him that even though I feel better physically, everything stills feels so complicated, overwhelming and chaotic. I explain to him that the energy of the 5 of Wands is strong. I'm handling it, but not very well.
"It's time you meet my Aunt, The Queen of Swords," he suggests. "She is a woman of great wisdom and clarity and it will do you some good to have her help you settle the cosmic dust."
I am very aware of who she is. In fact I'm quite terrified of her. She is the only element with whom I am intimidated. It's been a tough and long drawn out battle for me. So I'm glad for these few moments that I've been feeling better. It allows me a willingness to ask for her help. My biggest fear is the kind of help she's going offer.
I've been fighting so hard for so long, I'm really at a point where I just want someone to come in and fix everything. She's going to fly off the handle, I'm sure, at my willingness to just give in. The Queen of Swords. Her victories have come because of intelligence, patience, commitment and independence.
As I prepare to meet with this robust and righteous energy, my anxiety steals whatever courage I have left... I'm totally 9 of Swords'ing right now. My emotion raw and available for criticism. She is going to see right through me and there is no way for me to get past her condescending stare.
She opens the door. She is not what I expect. At all. She welcomes me with grandest of hugs, and laughs. She is motherly, like The Empress kind of motherly. I'm not sure if I feel better or even more terrified.
She is a breath of fresh air that has roots in eternal grace.
The Queen of Swords glides through the air around me. Her essence is cool and refreshing. Not flat as I had once thought. She is full of emotion, it radiates... yet feels controlled. There is no chaos here. Her space, her being, she fills me with love and light. She is a breath of fresh air that has roots in eternal grace.
"My nephew tells me you are lost." She gets right to the point. Once again, I am immediately intimidated.
"Yes, I am overwhelmed. I get lost in the basics, and am constantly fixing things that I had nothing to do with. I'm tired. I don't mind working hard. But I am tired of working hard because of the decisions of others."
"You are working without purpose."
"There are things that I want. I have purpose. I think."
"But you continue to work with no purpose. You are lost in the forest of my sister, The Queen of Pentacles. You walk straight, only to end up where you started. You play in the seas of my younger sister, The Queen of Cups. You paddle against the storm instead of riding with the waves. My twin light, The Queen of Wands. She lights the fire to show you the way, you blow it out. She lights another fire, a glimmer of hope, you snuff it out. You have made yourself unavailable to whispers of my tribe, and fight against the comforts they offer. Your fear keeps you a prisoner"
She is sitting there, staring at me. I want to vomit. I've been in the middle of a high volumed temper tantrum for so long.
"Let's play a game," she says to me as she lays a heavily embossed and ornate cloth on the table between us. As it unrolls, I watch the shape of a kingdom transpire in dust of the fairies that carry the Queen around. A castle, rigid and grey, in the middle of the grid. It's stunning, but not fancy. "My home," she says. "It's not glamorous, I know. But it lays undefeated, untouched, unconquered. Say what you will."